As with most lands afar, the Kingdom of Dumped has its own language - or at least its own dialect. If you are teetering along the threshold of Dumped, it can be easy to convince yourself that you are hearing one thing, when in fact you are being told another. So let me clear up a few phrases for you - because the better grasp you have of the language, the more beneficial your stay can be...

"We Need To Talk"
This means 'I need to talk, you need to listen', 'I want you to say stuff to me that you're not ready to say yet' or 'I need to complain'. This is usually used when one party has decided that they want to end the relationship, while the other is obliviously careering off into the future with wild plans about holidays. It serves as the noise of a needle being ripped off an old-fashioned vinyl record, making the imminent dumpee's blood freeze as they realize how the rest of their evening is going to be spent.

It's also used by the unwilling dumpee in a passive-aggressive dumping. When you've let yourself continually be treated badly enough that you simply don't have the fight left in you, 'We need to talk' can often mean 'I'm going to give you one last desperate chance to see my point of view'. It rarely works.

"I Want to Join A Band/Make A Short Film/Go Traveling/Take Up Ballet"
This means, I am a creative and adventurous man. But one who is still dumping you. Although my mother has an older version of the Language of Dumped dictionary and believes it to mean 'I've got ideas above my station')

"It's Not You, It's Me"
I don't want to be too blunt about it, but hey. This Is A Lie. Anyone who is destined to make you happy will prioritize you and the time they spend with you. (Watch it, you pushy ones at the front - 'prioritize' does NOT mean 'spend all of his time and lose all his mates and become exactly the kind of man you don't fancy'). Work, travel or other preoccupations are rarely an excuse to break up with you if he actually loves you. If someone is gong through a tough time then they will confide in you and rely on you if they truly want to be with you.

I'm so sorry to be the one to break this to you, but it is you. He would find a solution that makes you both happy if he really, really, wanted to be with you. The reason for the relationship ending is you. But don't panic! This is good! Because you are now free for a mini-break in Dumped, a slinky spruced up new you, and a man who does believe in your goddess-like fabulousness.

"I've Met Someone Else"
You would be waaaay surprised how often the lesser known dumped dialect can mean that this actually translates as 'I'm really keen to meet someone else and there's this girl on my mate's Facebook page that looks scorching hot in her profile picture and so I'm thinking about her a lot. Even though I haven't actually met her'. When girls say it, the translation can be 'I'm sooo into Grey's Anatomy at the moment. I just want to get you out of my hair so I can watch Dr Alex Karev again and again and again'

"We Need To Take a Break"
Come on, when has this ever worked? The 'We Need to Take a Break Motel and Diner' is on the very threshold of the Kingdom of Dumped. Surely it would be more realistic to say 'I need to take a break from you, in order to check that I do value the idea of getting it on with someone else more than staying with you', or 'I need to take a break from you, as I'm pretty sure that I don't want you to be my boy/girlfriend any more - but I'm a bit scared about being single again so I'd like to keep the option to come back if it's all a bit overwhelming for me'. Don't do it!

"You Have A Pleasing Jaw"
Run, run for the hills! If anyone EVER says this to you, just leave. Don't even pack. I have spare pyjamas here in the kingdom, and loads of Havaianas. Just run.